My Personal Journey to Judaism
The Introduction to Judaism class has been an incredible personal journey. I have never attended any type of religious school and felt very uninformed about faith. In college, I majored in history, which has taught me the history behind religion but did not teach me about what it means to believe or to feel connected to a community. The first couple weeks of class, I found myself really embracing many of the main tenets of Judaism with happiness, as these were central beliefs of my own. I like that children are viewed as a blank slate. Having been a teacher for four years and now a child psychologist, I have worked with many troubled children. I believe in their resilience and their ability to overcome hardship. I like that all people have an opportunity to go on to heaven or an afterlife. I have never felt comfortable believing that one religion is right over another. Growing up without faith in our household, my mom would say, ‘if you are a good person, god will take care of you.’ This is something that I believe for all people. I don’t think that God discriminates towards people for believing in one religion or another. I think he feels happy that people have found unique ways of bringing him into their lives. I don’t think that God would want us to discriminate against others for choosing different faiths. Another value that I treasure in Judaism is tsedakah. Being within the helping profession of education, a center of my values rests upon reaching out to others. These central beliefs of Judaism were the reassuring signs that I had found a faith that felt like home.
The process leading me to Judaism has been long and connected to both my family, friends and upbringing. My grandfather on my father’s side was a practicing Jew and died when my father was 11 years old. His mother remarried two more times following her first husband’s death and neither of these men became like a father to my dad. Religion did not play a role in his upbringing but there has always been a connection and longing for his father. I believe that my father still now feels a sense of loss related to his father’s passing.
My mother was born and raised in post-World War II Germany. Her family was strict Lutheran and my mother vividly remembers the harsh discipline that the religion brought to her schooling and family life. My dad served in the military and was stationed in Germany. Their romance was quick and before my dad returned to the States, they were married. Their marriage quickly became unhappy. My father had many affairs and my mother never felt as though she had the strength to leave. I think the pattern that formed very much has to do with their own childhoods. My father did not have a strong father figure to teach him how to be a committed father and husband. My mom felt, as a foreigner, that she needed to stay with what felt comfortable even though it did not make her happy. And so my parents had three children, my brother, sister and I, they finally got divorced when I was 13. I do not think I have any memories of my family being together and happy. I remember fighting and sadness. I remember wishing my mom was strong enough to leave. I remember promising myself to work hard to achieve a happier adulthood.
After my parents divorced, my mom went back to work and faced the common struggles of a single mother. She struggled to make enough money, to have time for herself, and how to raise three kids on her own. Luckily, our next door neighbors were kind enough to invite the three of us into their home whenever we wanted. My sister spent the most time there because she was younger and they had children her age. I often chose to stay home alone waiting for my mom to come home from work. I remember wanting to read as much as I could about the Holocaust. I felt conflicted about my mother’s family’s silence. How could they have been the passive observers? At one point, my mom spoke to my teachers about my ‘obsession’ with World War II. They reassured her that I was delving into a historical interest that was connected to our family history. I wanted to know how such a horrible thing could happen. In this way, I began my personal journey towards Judaism. I wanted to reconnect with my father’s family and understand my mother’s. I very much remember being at my neighbor’s house on the High Holidays. I remember listening to the prayers, eating delicious food and most importantly watching a family that was filled with love. To me, I think I quickly associated Judaism and family together.
During my adolescence, I very much struggled with depression. I felt lost in my own home, lost among my peers, and lost within myself. I had not yet come to peace with my family’s struggles. I longed for normalcy, to feel happy and content. As I worked with a social worker at school, we talked about many of the difficulties I went through during childhood and talked about plans for the future. I vowed to be a strong woman that would find love and have a happy family. Within the Jewish community, I feel bonded with the strong values of family that I believe I longed for as a child. I learned to depend on myself and not others for my happiness and in many ways became the person I am today and now I know that faith adds to my strengths. Introspection and personal reflection allowed me to determine that independence and family were values in life that I treasure most.
After college, , my finace, and I reconnected, and immediately felt the tingle of affection that we had shared in high school. He quickly became my best friend and we fell in love. I loved his connection to his family, his strong work ethic, his ability to be affectionate and caring, his interest in history, his unfaltering ability to listen to me, and that he is as cute now as he was when he was 14. When he and I began talking about our future family and children, it was incredibly important to him that we practice Judaism. In many ways, I feel as though I have been practicing Judaism with him and his family for the past four years, but I wanted to gain knowledge of my own so that I could determine my personal views about religion. We celebrate the High Holidays together and attend services as a family. I found the more that I learned, the more I felt that I desired Judaism in my daily life and for our future family.
As he and I begin our life as a married couple, Judaism will play a central role in our lives. We will continue to be bonded with our Jewish relatives and friends in celebrating the High Holidays and attending Shabbat services. I look forward to us being able to host our families during the High Holidays. I look forward to learning the recipes his family has passed down, including kugel, matzo ball soup and briscuit. He and I hope to have children in the next few years and I am proud that they will be raised by observant and knowledgeable Jews. I look forward to teaching our children about Judaism and watching them go through the milestones of Judaism. Our children will help us to continue learning as we teach them about Judaism.
